Here's some food for thought....

Ok, more like 'words' than 'food', but you get the gist. I just want to try something new, and happily for me (ta-ta-da!), there's this lovely medium to hoar out as much as I choose to do... so I will.
*Muah!*
Thank you, dear Bloggerdom.
Alrighty! Intro to post, done. I'm ready to move forward.

That being said, are you ready?

Here you go...

What do these words really mean to you?

Self-consciousness
Awareness
Reflection
Distraction
Instinct
Need
Existence
Self-thoughts

????

Anybody? I'm sure someone gets it.... ah, there you go! :D

Yes, the mind is a terrible thing to waste; especially since, well, we only have one, right? Unless you're a micro-manager, then you hold several smaller minds in your sway, to control and subvert like zombies to your will-- as you please and... uh, well, I'm probably getting out of context, again.

*sigh*
( I tend to do that quite a bit.)
(Well, yes, I sigh a lot, too, but don't lose sight at this point, because, I, apparantly, can and will be distracted easily by... how did someone put it?)
....
(Oh, yes, I REMEMBER, 'small shiny objects' or baubles and men with incredible, superior intellect? Oh, yes, dear...poor little ol' me. Just a girl in the world... that's all that they'll let me be...)

I've come to realize several "truths" in life will only ever be if I allow them to be.

So, I choose not to let certain "truths", be. Follow? No? That's perfectly ok, too. This is my path, as I choose to live it and let others be. I do not need sheep; I am no shepard to anyone but myself. I will be, and that is that. It is only in the present in which I am eternal, as time and life passes through me. So, I will be. And that is that. What happens from here? I really don't know; but, I can tell you... it's going to be an experience.

Sorry Bloggerdom... Can you SEE me now??

Good!...
I have to apologize.... for my Internet connection issues. It's like a bad relationship with someone that you know you shouldn't be with, but you continue to put up with for lack of having someone else to turn to... and when you finally get into that other "great" relationship that you know is just what you need, it only gets worse. So much for looking forward to better service...

Hey Service Provider: What do I need to do to get some REAL service around here?
*Flashes more than just a smile*
Hmmm??

I know that it's my responsibility to return when I stated that I would. I should not try to make a commitment without confirming with my service provider. Such a tight leash that I am on...
Still trying to figure out--why there are times that I can connect and seem like I have no problems, then be completely disconnected the next? Funny how MAAN put it, and I'll apologize beforehand if it's not an exact quote: the day when we no longer have computer connection issues is the day when we can all connect on a psychic level.

In that case, I shall try to make do without getting fired for thinking indiscrete thoughts before an online meeting.

Realized even with the "Fall Back"...

... it's too late at night to post. 4:30 AM--- would have been 5:30? WHY am I still awake? Oh yeah...
Promised a few posts to some special people, so I won't disappoint.
Come back.... probably, later today!
Here's hoping these plans don't go to poop too...

Life...continued

I will live my life being happy in my skin; I will not break; I will be the shepard of my own soul. - Caro

I couldn't speak about my fears for a long time. But, as I turn my fears into realizations, I am able to confront them and use them to my advantage. I stopped beating myself up over how I feel about how I look. I'm happy to say that I am more comfortable in my own abilities, and that I will NEVER be perfect. Does that sound like a mantra? It is-- it's the mantra of a person with perfectionist problems. Say THAT five times fast! Agh.

I am not your perfect person, but I'm just right for me.

Now, I am more aware of the fact that I was trying to hard to be 'just right'... and every time I 'failed' it hurt so bad, because I was setting my goals so high that I could never realistically reach them. I spend time with my daughter, telling her all the time that I want her to do her best and be happy that she tried her hardest. No one is going to win all the time, despite what anyone thinks. It's a matter of a law of physics (maybe). :p

Now I am going for a 30 minute walk, not run, because I need some sunshine. ;*

My life: Too much information...

This is probably more than I would usually tell, but here goes...

I think the media warp our self-images, but I gotta give some of the credit to the moms out there. My mom, who I love dearly now and forever, was a decisive factor in my view. Even now, at a neat size 8, she thinks she is too "fat" because she can't fit into her size 4's and 6's.

I was a classic stereotype-- no makeup, dressed in jeans and t-shirts (and pullovers) for comfort, always with my nose in a book, and (*gasp*) was even in the orchestra as a violinist. I had even been accused of being a lesbian in front of my whole year class in middle school, right smack dab in the middle of the cafeteria, because of the way I dressed. I learned what it meant to have to develop “tough skin” due to those comments. I didn’t have a clear idea if I was or not, but they way people said it, it was given as an insult. I wasn’t asked out to date but once in middle school, and when I did I thought it was a mean joke. I was angry, so I laughed in his face, told him "yeah, right, so you can pull a 'Carrie' on me, I don't think so" and ran away. I felt bad about it afterwards when I heard that he had meant it.

I have been mostly "overweight" since middle school (in elementary school they just called me "chubby"), and high school was the worst. I never felt like I fit in to any group: not quite "dorky enough" for the smart kids, not quite "shy enough" for the wallflowers, and certainly not "beautiful enough" for the popular crowd. I was a 20-22 jeans at my biggest then: a bit shy, mostly an emotional-eater, and drawn to books about science fictions or mystery. THAT was my true pleasure, to get lost in a good book, more than chocolate (well, mostly more... unless it was a REALLY bad day.)

My first year of high school, I tried weight-loss pills (speed), and lost a bunch really quick; I was ecstatic until I almost overdosed when I couldn't control it. After that, my mom tried to make sure that she watched me like a hawk. I think she meant well, but I had to eat while she was still self-conscience about her own weight. So while I had to eat the burger- cheese, bun and all- when she was eyeing me, she pecked at her food (usually a plain salad) like a bird. My home life was so messed up.

I didn't date anyone serious until my junior year of high school, and he didn't even go to the same school in the same county (and considering where I lived, that was a feat, since the high schools were pretty far apart.) We dated, separated, reconciled, and have been together ever since. We married 11 years ago and have been through a whole helluva lot together. I love him dearly: he is truly my best friend, lover, and partner-for-life. We had an eye-opening experience recently where I finally got his attention back… but that’s another story. Let’s get back to this one for now.

It wasn't until I turned 22 that I finally lost some healthy weight. I felt great even though, at a 10-12, I still didn't consider myself skinny; just healthy. I ate better, danced a lot, and was going to college for a degree. I had friends, hung out at their houses, just chilled and had fun.
Then I was pregnant. Now, I know that having a child changes people, but there are good changes and bad changes. I had a child, and I emotionally just lost it. I gained all the weight back and then some, lost interest in eating well, and stopped going to school to stay home with the little one. I became severely depressed, lost my job. I tried several times to get back into the workforce, but nothing seemed to stick.

The depression and lack of funds caused me to lose my house, my dog, and my "friends", which was exasperated by losing not only a best friend but also my little brother within one year. I learned to love my daughter fiercely, but often lost myself in that love to ignore the fact that I didn’t care for myself. It finally struck home about a year ago: I hated myself. Not only that, but I hated all that I had become. It wasn’t enough that my husband loved me, my daughter called me the “Best Mommy in the Whole World”… because if I didn’t care for me, it didn’t register. So, I snapped out of it.
I realized that in not wanting to worry about my self-image, I was just going to make my daughter feel bad about herself. Ironic. I love my daughter but I will make her feel bad about having a few pounds. Duh! What an idiot. I couldn’t get over how I felt about that. I cried to hard my throat felt like it was going to fall off or explode, it was that painful.
This story to be continued…

"My Driving Force" or AKA- My Motivation

My Burning Light ; My Bright Flame ; My Reason for Breathing ...

My Beautiful Spark ; My Delightful Curiousity ; My Heart's Content!

Never a Caterpillar; Always a Butterfly...

My Heart Will Bleed when you fly Away...

If I Keep You Always, You would surely Wilt.

My Flower Blooms, but I must Water You.

Who would be upset if you could have such a wonderful daughter like mine?

She has been the best reason for me to feel better. I am so grateful for her in my life. She knows just how to cheer me up, and she tries harder than anyone else to do so. I know now more than ever why one's children are so dear... and my, she is a dear, for sure.

I'm going for "29" ... for the third time...

Yeah, It was my birthday.

Yesterday.

Yea me.

You know, having a birthday right BEFORE our country's is a real anti-climatic kinda thing.
Sorta like having an anniversary just before Christmas.

(Making "hmph" face)

Everyone is so busy buying and setting off fireworks...and getting drunk...

To bad the doctor couldn't have waited ONE minute to make me a 4th baby, that would make things alot more interesting. Would make it so easy for everyone to just buy me fireworks, get my buzz on, or give me money. As it is, I got to see my family, which is great, really... but my best friend is up north to see the fireworks in NY with her mom, and everyone else gets a little distant/ vague about passing by (probably off getting hammered) so I get alot of phone calls.

Example: The one from a friend that lives nearby, who I've known for years, but you wouldn't know it by the phone conversation we had yesterday...

"Hey, girl, whaz up?"

"Oh, nothing much, just having my birthday today, is all."

"Oh, is that TODAY?"

"Yep, same day every year (little laugh here) ... are you coming by?"

"OHHH, um... (little pause) actually, was going to call you and see if you wanted to go to a Independence Day party (surprise surprise)... so, um, did you wanna go for a bit? You know, free bday drinks! (big hearty inappropriate laugh here)"

"Um, nooo... I have family coming over, but... maybe you could drop by for a little yourself?"

" I would... it's just..."

"Yeah, ok, no prob. I'll just catcha tomorrow, k?"

"Yeah! Yeah, definately! Ok, well... happy birthday!"

Ha. Well. So yeah. I'm glad I went to the movies today and had a good time of it;

my little girl makes up for all those posers anyhow... she was so sweet. She made me a beaded necklace that really looks good, I was so proud.

Hope my "buddy" was safe. But I hope if she drank too much, that she has a helluva hangover.

Anyways, folks. Have a Happy 4th and be safe out there.

What is the question?

What is it about life that make everyone question ... well, life?

Is it really all about what the "meaning is"?

Are we just out to justify ourselves?

Is it all that bad??

What about our lifes makes us think we can not be just happy?

I have heard that question asked so many times in My Life, that it seems to lose its meaning... "What is the meaning of life?" ... ugh.

Are we all pretend Buddhist monks?

Why are we so focused on the meaning and not on the quality?

It just makes me wonder... what if we all started to ask ourselves about the quality, and not just the meaning... who would benefit?

I need more quality in mine.... it needs more people, more importance, more, ...well, life.

And I need a frappucino, haven't had one of those in a long time, and FL is damn hot this time of year....

When the stars find a line ... sometimes things go right

Well, Bloggerdom. Are you tired of my ranting yet? Yeah, me too.

So, ok. Let's look, (sing the diddy with me) on the "bright side of life"..... (whistling) dee dee, dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee.
Come on, you know you wanna....Always look on the bright side of life....
Ah, Monty Python. And Iron Maiden. Two things that make me smile.

:D

Too much?....., yeah. It's late. Nothing substantial from me today. Just nonsense.

Hey we all need different muses.

Ha.

Haha.

I've finally lost it.

It feels like a head rush wrapped in mush.

Sleep... sleep... insomnia.... no... sleep...

"Everything that can go wrong...will."

My life is a turbulent field, resonating on a different level than where it should be. I know that somewhere, in some alternate universe perhaps, I am happier, smarter, more free, more satisfied, and a helluva lot more content...

Somehow though, in this life, I have veered off-track; I am careening towards inevitable destruction by my own hand. I have been trying to steer back on course now, and every time I do, something else goes wrong.
It seems very sour, downright depressing even... but I see things around me, falling apart, and I can't help but feel this way.

I talked with my mother yesterday, and found out that my older brother, who has no children and is not married, just lost his only beloved pet. It may not seem like much, but this pet has been with him for a long time. I've known her as a full-grown dog, but he's had her since she was a puppy. Anyone who's had a pet for long knows that it hurts just as much as losing family. I've lost Marmaduke ("Duke" for short) four years ago, and still thinking about him at times leaves a little stabbing feeling in my heart. So I know his pain. I feel it distinctly, even now.

It couldn't have happened at a worse time. He was getting ready to move out of his place because the banks have displaced him; he's basically bankrupt, and was just getting over a bout of depression. She had been there for him; through all the financial problems, the psycho ex-girlfriends, and the big one, my little brother's death. They were finally getting close, after growing up practically at each other's throats. She even felt it; she had developed a bald spot from wearing out her fur on one side, rubbing up against him. He was sad that my little bro's birthday had past, and now this.

Why do bad things bunch up like that? Isn't it enough that what he was going through is horrid enough, let's throw "death' in there too? DAMMIT!

I'm just so sick of bad things happenning, one after another. I have to go see him today. Hopefully I can try to cheer him up a little. But I can only do so much on my own. And I can't bring her back.

Sorry, Bloggerdom. I'm sure things will get better, and I'll be brighter/happier/ zanier some other time. Just not this month, ok?

Remembering You... every day, but mostly June 2

I wrote this on June 2, 2009. I didn't have the heart to post it then, and found this again. This is now year 10 that he's been gone. I've revised it a bit, as he's been gone a long time.
For the special person in my life: You've helped me to say what needs to be said with your words; I'm sending you my love. Hope you feel the warmth of my care for you and yours.

This is for my lil' bro.

Happy Birthday

Hey there, bro. Happy Birthday. I've missed you. I hope your doing well.
I'm wondering what your looking at today. Hopefully something wonderful. Are you happy?
Are you wondering about me? I know I have been flaky lately. I can get really stupid sometimes. You know you've always been smarter. The genius in our family. How did you always know so much?
Are you disappointed with me? I hope not.

Hey there, bro. You've been gone awhile. Did you know it's been three years? It's been hard. Every Christmas is really difficult. I was told it would get easier, but it really hasn't.
Mom still puts out a place for you every year, and I have to put it back. It's too hard to see it.
Dad still kept your picture in the living room. All that time.
The light-up block. You know which one? Yeah.

He's gone now, too.
...
Is he there, where you are?
...
I hope you two get along. I hope you're both ok. I hope... I hope...

Hey there, bro. You're supposed to be 30 this year. You're supposed to complain about getting old, and I'm supposed to laugh. I'm supposed to say you have no idea. But I can't...
There are still times I run into someone. They might ask how you've been. I catch on my breath and can't tell them... then I do, and it starts again. Sorry. Sorry. I say it's ok. But it's not.

Hey there, bro. Happy Birthday. You're here with me. I love you. But you know that.

I'll tell more about him; I need time to heal. Every time I say anything, it hurts. Ah, well. I guess that's what love does. But it's ok. Really, it is.

Feeling eyes on the back of my head...

... and they are going to burn a hole there.

Hmm.... I'm starting to wonder if the old saying is true:

When you feel like you might have done something wrong , you start to feel eyes on you.

{Notice: might; at the time I felt it was perfectly fine}

Eyes pop up from anywhere. And everywhere. Paranoia starts to kick in. You could swear, the two gathering around le ol' watering hole are whispering about you behind those beady little eyes and wicked grins.

Or... it could be the fact that I only had 3 hours of sleep last night....

What do you think, bloggers? Tres Cracker-Ass sexy, no?

No, I didn't think so either.

Yep. I look like I just lost a fight ( or maybe you shoulda seen the other guy, mopped the floor wit' em, phew.. lol ), and ice isn't helping.
Those dark circles are back. They look just like this, but only on a different day... This is an old photo, since my crappy phone refuses to transfer my dam files to my lil ol' computer (I say it's possessed.) One day, happily transferring via bluetooth, the dang files practically bumping into each other in the air, they were going so fast. Next day, poop. Na-dah. Just one very frustrated user who may go ape on the freaking technology... !!!!

Yeah, I'm a little lighter now, but no less sleep-depraved.
You wanna know something?? I could not give a dam less about that freaking mockingbird now! They are just officially the most insane birds I have ever encountered. Damn thing about knocked my head off coming home the other day, and I know that I was NO WHERE near its nest.
But, alas, I can't blame it for all my lost sleep.

I guess I should state the reason for the sudden pang of guilt, the feeling that something bad is on the horizon...
That I did something... um, not so nice, and enjoyed it. A lot. So much so, I did it again.

I LOOOVE variety....

Then I found out on Sunday that I needed to catch up on my schoolwork because I slacked just a wee bit. Whilst doing so, (don't worry, I'm not going Shakespeare on ya here)
I realized that I needed to check my email for a few things... And whadda ya know? The one person I was really hoping would not make a big deal about the...um, something I did, wrote me a freaking poem.

Ok, so right about now, you're probably thinking,

"Caro, WTF?? Seriously? This is what's got your panties in a bunch? It's a poem. So What? Some people would kill to have one. WHAT DID YOU DO?? "

... and usually Bloggerdom, I would agree. They can be so harmless and if they are written just right, can be quite sentimental... unless it's from the one person I would least want to receive one from, because that person doesn't really mean all that much to me. Well, truthfully, up until last weekend, this person meant very little to me at all.

Worse, I thought we had an agreement, but no. Worst, has GOT to be seeing this person every day. At least, I hope that's the worst of it.

Oh, man. Can't get away with anything nowadays.

I ask that men don't get attached. I beg. I plead. I moan, I groan.... sorry (grinning) getting off track.

So someone else knows what's going on, well, except that part, and wants all the juicy lil details ( I know the suspense is killing you... but I'm not telling who or what is involved... just bear with me here) and I really wanna dish, but this whole thing is starting to get me down.

*Getting on top of chair*

I mean, geez, people,

*Yelling in the middle of office floor*

CAN'T I JUST HAVE SOME FREAKY FUN ?

YOU GUYS DO IT, AND THAT'S IT?

What's a girl GOTTA DO to make that clear around here?

Put up a damn SIGN?!?!?

HMMM???

*Breathing hard and angrily*

Ok, Bloggerdom. I'm digressing for now. Time to beat some sense into my phone.

Mockingbird, Mockingbird...WHY oh why do I hear you now??

Do You know when you get that beautiful, quiet, serene moment when you feel like you can get so much done? It might not happen often, but it just needs to happen once....
No one is bugging you for your opinion on a trivial matter (sigh contentedly); night might be settling in and the world is shutting down (light trickle of rain popping on the tin roof of the patio porch sounds oh so nice) , preparing for another busy day just seems so far away that you let yourself relax?
It just feels so nice to have some time to myself....
---- and then suddenly there is this BIRD outside at 2:00 AM. Just SINGING away. And it won't go away?!? Tell me...

~~ Why, oh why, do I hear you RIGHT NOW Mockingbird???~~

It's not morning... no one is "attacking" ya dam nest. SO what the hey?!
And it's not just any ol' bird folks... oh no.
Couldn't be a lovely blue jay just saying<(think Justin Timberlake whispering...)
"Hey, we might be getting some rain tonight... just thought you folks should know... have a pleasant evening... (sweet melody)..."

Oh, no no. Not this one.

Ever complain about those wonderful little alarm devices in cars that go off sporadically? Try having a little mimicker outside your window that knows that tune all too well, singing it happily over and over for you, just you... because no one else is awake to hear it belt out:

"Here I AM! Here I AM! WHOOP! WHOOP! DEE_DONG! DEE_DONG!"

"DOOO-WEEP!DOOOO-WEEP!"

AAARRRGH! Just for that I'm wishing the neighborhood cats will come back around and find you. Then we'll see who will be singing a happy-dappy lil' ol' tune, my feathered-fiendish foe.

hehe... oh gad, sleep-deprivation. No, please mockingbird, do be quiet soon. I need to rest.

New kid in school...again

So, for anyone interested in what I have been up to lately, I'm back. Yea.

Now that this exciting news has been broadcast, I should let you all know that I'm going back to school.

I just started again this Spring after a 7-year gap, and it's hard. I don't care how much someone might want to say, "Aw, is it really? Try working. It's harder" because I've worked hard for the last 14 years of my life, and I am ready for something new. I'm tired of going in day-to-day knowing that it's not ME making the big money, it's not MY company I'm working to build up or maintain, and if I leave I could just be replaced with someone else. That's a pretty sobering thought, but you know, I've seen it before many times. This is a harsh, brutal, competitive world. Period. Unless you have a"sugardaddy" ready and willing to pay for all your little bills, and people falling at your feet to give you things, well, your in this same group.

So what does this mean for me now? Long hours of reading and studying, many (MANY) reports, checking in to the email at least 3 times a week and getting my work turned in before the deadlines (it's online classes but you have to do things on time just like the regular classes). Yeah, I wish I would have gone back sooner, but I haven't sat on my butt the whole time. I just should have been more focused on my goal of owning my business at a younger age, and now I have to wait until I'm older and have repaired my poor credit. Oh the irony: I worked for a financial services company when I was the most broke.

I would recommend to anyone just getting out into the work field, to all those new college grads: stay home with your parents, save your money, and work as much as you can. Don't waste your money on stupid stuff that you don't need just to impress others. They REALLY don't care more than just being jealous, and you'll go broke easy. Just follow what REAL millionaires would do, which is to live within your means and be frugal.