Sunday, June 14, 2009

"Everything that can go wrong...will."

My life is a turbulent field, resonating on a different level than where it should be. I know that somewhere, in some alternate universe perhaps, I am happier, smarter, more free, more satisfied, and a helluva lot more content...

Somehow though, in this life, I have veered off-track; I am careening towards inevitable destruction by my own hand. I have been trying to steer back on course now, and every time I do, something else goes wrong.
It seems very sour, downright depressing even... but I see things around me, falling apart, and I can't help but feel this way.

I talked with my mother yesterday, and found out that my older brother, who has no children and is not married, just lost his only beloved pet. It may not seem like much, but this pet has been with him for a long time. I've known her as a full-grown dog, but he's had her since she was a puppy. Anyone who's had a pet for long knows that it hurts just as much as losing family. I've lost Marmaduke ("Duke" for short) four years ago, and still thinking about him at times leaves a little stabbing feeling in my heart. So I know his pain. I feel it distinctly, even now.

It couldn't have happened at a worse time. He was getting ready to move out of his place because the banks have displaced him; he's basically bankrupt, and was just getting over a bout of depression. She had been there for him; through all the financial problems, the psycho ex-girlfriends, and the big one, my little brother's death. They were finally getting close, after growing up practically at each other's throats. She even felt it; she had developed a bald spot from wearing out her fur on one side, rubbing up against him. He was sad that my little bro's birthday had past, and now this.

Why do bad things bunch up like that? Isn't it enough that what he was going through is horrid enough, let's throw "death' in there too? DAMMIT!

I'm just so sick of bad things happenning, one after another. I have to go see him today. Hopefully I can try to cheer him up a little. But I can only do so much on my own. And I can't bring her back.

Sorry, Bloggerdom. I'm sure things will get better, and I'll be brighter/happier/ zanier some other time. Just not this month, ok?


Jane said...

I really admire the honesty in your blogs. It is something I need to work on.

I never know if I should or shouldn't say something encouraging, if that is what a person wants or not. But whenever little me has felt that life was hard or dissatisfied I recite these quote and they make me feel better:

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you shall be the miracle."
-Phillips Brooks (He has great quotes if you liked this one.)

and similarly:

"Smooth seas do not create skillful sailors."

xx Jane

tehkorah said...

Thank you. I always appreciate a new visitor and new perspective.
I shall endeavor to follow your advice, try my hardest to.... and will see what the results are in the future.
I'm just trying to plug along for today. It's always harder when you see a loved one going through a difficult situation and know that there is only so much you can do to help.

But, ah, c'est la vie, we can only do the best we can.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

caro: hi sweetie. Don't you just love jane? I do. She rocks.

I know what it's like to lose a special pet. My Freddy passed away last year and there was nothing we could do for him...I miss him all the time. Sometimes I think about him and I get teary eyed..can't help it. I loved him. he was a family member.

sweetie...we do what we can and we swim through it. Look around you there are many things to smile about and be thankful about.

you vent and you say what is in your heart...I'll be here to listen and maybe I can't make it all go away...but my wishes will always be the best for you.

ciao honey xxxooo I'm sending your way.

tehkorah said...

Hey, Spiky... I'm always happier when I know you're around. Yeah, I like Jane; I think I'd like to keep her. Please, pretty please? ;)

I'm sorry to hear about Freddy. In one way, I'm glad that others know how it feels; in another, I wish it didn't hurt so much.
If we didn't get teary-eyed thinking about a beloved pet, I'd think that there was something wrong. So I know it's ok; it's just hard seeing a grown man cry.

I don't know... my dad was never one to show too much emotion, so it's hard to watch a man reacting in a way I was never used to seeing. 'Course, that's another story ALL together, and he's not one I really want to go into too much just now.

It's strange though. I called up my brother to see how he's doing today. You know what he said? "Hey, sis... yeah, you know, you're calling a lot more than before. I appreciate what you're doing but,... could you NOT call me tomorrow?(little laugh here)"

So, yeah, he'll be ok. I just gotta stop trying to "mommy" him (his words) and let him be.

Why is it so much harder to do that when you DO become a mom? lol

Thanks for dropping by... I feel all the X's and O's and send some back your way.


That's a lovely picture of you.I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I couldn't imagine losing my brother,even though he gets on my nerves.

tehkorah said...

Thanks Uber. Glad to have you stop by.
I love my older brother and younger sis, too. I could not have imagined that happening before; now I wish I hadn't gone through the experience.
I don't want to ever go through it again.
And brothers are good for getting under one's nerve's , lol, they know all the right buttons to press. Ha, that's what brothers are for, right?