Sunday, June 28, 2009

What is the question?

What is it about life that make everyone question ... well, life?
Is it really all about what the "meaning is"?
Are we just out to justify ourselves?
Is it all that bad??
What about our lifes makes us think we can not be just happy?
I have heard that question asked so many times in My Life, that it seems to lose its meaning... "What is the meaning of life?" ... ugh.
Are we all pretend Buddhist monks?
Why are we so focused on the meaning and not on the quality?
It just makes me wonder... what if we all started to ask ourselves about the quality, and not just the meaning... who would benefit?
I need more quality in mine.... it needs more people, more importance, more, ...well, life.
And I need a frappucino, haven't had one of those in a long time, and FL is damn hot this time of year....

Saturday, June 20, 2009

When the stars find a line ... sometimes things go right

Well, Bloggerdom. Are you tired of my ranting yet? Yeah, me too.

So, ok. Let's look, (sing the diddy with me) on the "bright side of life"..... (whistling) dee dee, dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee.
Come on, you know you wanna....Always look on the bright side of life....
Ah, Monty Python. And Iron Maiden. Two things that make me smile.


Too much?....., yeah. It's late. Nothing substantial from me today. Just nonsense.

Hey we all need different muses.
I've finally lost it.
It feels like a head rush wrapped in mush.
Sleep... sleep... insomnia.... no... sleep...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

"Everything that can go wrong...will."

My life is a turbulent field, resonating on a different level than where it should be. I know that somewhere, in some alternate universe perhaps, I am happier, smarter, more free, more satisfied, and a helluva lot more content...

Somehow though, in this life, I have veered off-track; I am careening towards inevitable destruction by my own hand. I have been trying to steer back on course now, and every time I do, something else goes wrong.
It seems very sour, downright depressing even... but I see things around me, falling apart, and I can't help but feel this way.

I talked with my mother yesterday, and found out that my older brother, who has no children and is not married, just lost his only beloved pet. It may not seem like much, but this pet has been with him for a long time. I've known her as a full-grown dog, but he's had her since she was a puppy. Anyone who's had a pet for long knows that it hurts just as much as losing family. I've lost Marmaduke ("Duke" for short) four years ago, and still thinking about him at times leaves a little stabbing feeling in my heart. So I know his pain. I feel it distinctly, even now.

It couldn't have happened at a worse time. He was getting ready to move out of his place because the banks have displaced him; he's basically bankrupt, and was just getting over a bout of depression. She had been there for him; through all the financial problems, the psycho ex-girlfriends, and the big one, my little brother's death. They were finally getting close, after growing up practically at each other's throats. She even felt it; she had developed a bald spot from wearing out her fur on one side, rubbing up against him. He was sad that my little bro's birthday had past, and now this.

Why do bad things bunch up like that? Isn't it enough that what he was going through is horrid enough, let's throw "death' in there too? DAMMIT!

I'm just so sick of bad things happenning, one after another. I have to go see him today. Hopefully I can try to cheer him up a little. But I can only do so much on my own. And I can't bring her back.

Sorry, Bloggerdom. I'm sure things will get better, and I'll be brighter/happier/ zanier some other time. Just not this month, ok?

Friday, June 5, 2009

Remembering You... every day, but mostly June 2

I wrote this on June 2, 2009. I didn't have the heart to post it then, and found this again. This is now year 10 that he's been gone. I've revised it a bit, as he's been gone a long time.
For the special person in my life: You've helped me to say what needs to be said with your words; I'm sending you my love. Hope you feel the warmth of my care for you and yours.

This is for my lil' bro.

Happy Birthday

Hey there, bro. Happy Birthday. I've missed you. I hope your doing well.
I'm wondering what your looking at today. Hopefully something wonderful. Are you happy?
Are you wondering about me? I know I have been flaky lately. I can get really stupid sometimes. You know you've always been smarter. The genius in our family. How did you always know so much?
Are you disappointed with me? I hope not.

Hey there, bro. You've been gone awhile. Did you know it's been three years? It's been hard. Every Christmas is really difficult. I was told it would get easier, but it really hasn't.
Mom still puts out a place for you every year, and I have to put it back. It's too hard to see it.
Dad still kept your picture in the living room. All that time.
The light-up block. You know which one? Yeah.

He's gone now, too.
Is he there, where you are?
I hope you two get along. I hope you're both ok. I hope... I hope...

Hey there, bro. You're supposed to be 30 this year. You're supposed to complain about getting old, and I'm supposed to laugh. I'm supposed to say you have no idea. But I can't...
There are still times I run into someone. They might ask how you've been. I catch on my breath and can't tell them... then I do, and it starts again. Sorry. Sorry. I say it's ok. But it's not.

Hey there, bro. Happy Birthday. You're here with me. I love you. But you know that.
I'll tell more about him; I need time to heal. Every time I say anything, it hurts. Ah, well. I guess that's what love does. But it's ok. Really, it is.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Feeling eyes on the back of my head...

... and they are going to burn a hole there.

Hmm.... I'm starting to wonder if the old saying is true:
When you feel like you might have done something wrong , you start to feel eyes on you.
{Notice: might; at the time I felt it was perfectly fine}
Eyes pop up from anywhere. And everywhere. Paranoia starts to kick in. You could swear, the two gathering around le ol' watering hole are whispering about you behind those beady little eyes and wicked grins.

Or... it could be the fact that I only had 3 hours of sleep last night....

What do you think, bloggers? Tres Cracker-Ass sexy, no?

No, I didn't think so either.

Yep. I look like I just lost a fight ( or maybe you shoulda seen the other guy, mopped the floor wit' em, phew.. lol ), and ice isn't helping.
Those dark circles are back. They look just like this, but only on a different day... This is an old photo, since my crappy phone refuses to transfer my dam files to my lil ol' computer (I say it's possessed.) One day, happily transferring via bluetooth, the dang files practically bumping into each other in the air, they were going so fast. Next day, poop. Na-dah. Just one very frustrated user who may go ape on the freaking technology... !!!!

Yeah, I'm a little lighter now, but no less sleep-depraved.
You wanna know something?? I could not give a dam less about that freaking mockingbird now! They are just officially the most insane birds I have ever encountered. Damn thing about knocked my head off coming home the other day, and I know that I was NO WHERE near its nest.
But, alas, I can't blame it for all my lost sleep.

I guess I should state the reason for the sudden pang of guilt, the feeling that something bad is on the horizon...
That I did something... um, not so nice, and enjoyed it. A lot. So much so, I did it again.
I LOOOVE variety....
Then I found out on Sunday that I needed to catch up on my schoolwork because I slacked just a wee bit. Whilst doing so, (don't worry, I'm not going Shakespeare on ya here)
I realized that I needed to check my email for a few things... And whadda ya know? The one person I was really hoping would not make a big deal about, something I did, wrote me a freaking poem.

Ok, so right about now, you're probably thinking,
"Caro, WTF?? Seriously? This is what's got your panties in a bunch? It's a poem. So What? Some people would kill to have one. WHAT DID YOU DO?? "
... and usually Bloggerdom, I would agree. They can be so harmless and if they are written just right, can be quite sentimental... unless it's from the one person I would least want to receive one from, because that person doesn't really mean all that much to me. Well, truthfully, up until last weekend, this person meant very little to me at all.
Worse, I thought we had an agreement, but no. Worst, has GOT to be seeing this person every day. At least, I hope that's the worst of it.
Oh, man. Can't get away with anything nowadays.
I ask that men don't get attached. I beg. I plead. I moan, I groan.... sorry (grinning) getting off track.
So someone else knows what's going on, well, except that part, and wants all the juicy lil details ( I know the suspense is killing you... but I'm not telling who or what is involved... just bear with me here) and I really wanna dish, but this whole thing is starting to get me down.
*Getting on top of chair*
I mean, geez, people,
*Yelling in the middle of office floor*
What's a girl GOTTA DO to make that clear around here?
Put up a damn SIGN?!?!?
*Breathing hard and angrily*
Ok, Bloggerdom. I'm digressing for now. Time to beat some sense into my phone.